February 2012
1 post
6 tags
The Walking Meh
Since season 2 of The Walking Dead started, I’ve compared it to a soap opera. After watching Sunday’s mid-season premiere, I finally realized what it really reminded me of and that’s Star Trek: Voyager. That is not a compliment. I can only assume that the writers of The Walking Dead learned their craft by watching Voyager creators Rick Berman and Brannon Braga decide that...
January 2012
6 posts
7 tags
Zeroes, Zeroes, None Of My Salesmen Has Ever Sold...
I honestly, truly believe it’s entirely possible that critics basically wrote their reviews before they even saw this under the assumption that this Katherine Heigl film would be like, well, every other Katherine Heigl film. Still, as I said when this happened to Jack and Jill, getting zero percent is as rare and impressive as getting 100%.
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Some Quick Oscar Observations
Oscar nominations are just weird this year. Off the top of my head, I can think of a half dozen movies that deserved Best Picture nominations and didn’t get them and can think of three that wouldn’t deserve to be on that list even if you expanded it to 20 movies. I would, quite seriously, nominate Fast and Furious 5 over The Help, War Horse and Extremely Loud, Incredibly Close.
There...
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So, Number 5
I’m sure they’ve learned from past mistakes and that this one won’t be rock stupid. At the very least, I hope Milla Jovovich’s personal trainer gets the recognition he or she she deserves come Oscar time.
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BLOCKED
So yeah, MichaelClear.com is blocked for the day. Well, not really. I wasn’t going to post anything today anyway. I’m not sure why I’m doing this. Something about censorship being bad or some shit like that. Have a nice day.
6 tags
I Almost Forgot I Had A Tumblr
Anyone want to cyber?
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Young Adult review
Here’s a link to my latest Examiner.com article, a review of Young Adult.
December 2011
2 posts
8 tags
Whine Whine Whine
I was live tweeting the moment on Saturday when Herman Cain figuratively grabbed the head of the media and forced it into his crotch. For the sake of future historians, I have collected those tweets here.
I will now and always present as the ultimate evidence that Herman Cain is a horrible politician is that he quoted Pokemon in a situation that clearly called for a quote from Dragonball Z....
7 tags
Questions Imaginary People Have Asked Me — Part 6
How did the show The X-Files end?
Mulder and Scully made it all the way to the final four before Simon Cowell strongly criticized them for being boring and sounding like a lounge act. They got voted off after that.
November 2011
18 posts
7 tags
The Review Amazon Was Afraid to Publish
Amazon refused to publish my five star review of the new novel written by the Kardashian sisters. I notice they had no problem posting all the one star reviews which means Amazon serves the all powerful anti-Kardashian forces that keep the sisters down and prevent them from spreading their message of peace and fashion to the world. However, they do not yet control Tumblr so I can post it here...
7 tags
Tweeting Dawn
I did an inadvertent live tweet of Breaking Dawn when I saw it this afternoon so I thought I’d collect them all and put them on this page. There are a few general spoilers and one or two very specific spoilers although you should trust me when I say I’m doing you a favor by spoiling it.
I’m off to see that movie about meth dealing vampires called BREAKING BAD DAWN.
7 hours...
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“The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about. The only...”
– Oscar Wild
10 tags
Questions Imaginary People Have Asked Me — Part 5
What word do you get when you spell “Bob” backwards?
Oh gosh, I don’t know. I’ve always been lousy at math.
erikaroordink asked: questions?
erikaroordink asked: Is your ipad delivered by amazon?
6 tags
Questions Imaginary People Have Asked Me — Part 4
How have you come so far in life? Did you sleep your way to the top or did your dad know a guy?
That question offends me on so many levels. I studied and worked very hard and worked my ass off to get where I am. My uncle wouldn’t have hired me or given me all those huge raises and promotions otherwise.
7 tags
Hey Amazon
You’re clearly not aware that this is one of the internet’s biggest tech blogs because I have yet to receive a free Kindle Fire for me to review. I’d love to talk about it’s cool features and how it will almost certainly kill the iPad but I can’t do that until you send me a free one. I’m looking forward to hearing from your marketing department so this incident...
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From Zero To...Well, Just Back to Zero
Congratulations, Adam Sandler. Getting an absolute zero on Rotten Tomatoes is really as hard as getting a hundred percent but you gave it your best effort and beat the odds. I never would have imagined a movie in which you play your look alike sister who fucks Al Pacino and says the line, “He just wants to play Twister with your sister,” would inspire such loathing but I guess that...
7 tags
Questions Asked Me By Non-Existent People — Part 3
Did you ever get rid of that tattoo you got in your wild, misspent youth and now regret having?
No, I wasn’t able to remove it but I did alter it from Satan riding a hellhound on a bridge of fire to Satan riding a unicorn on a rainbow. At the end of the bridge is Satan’s grandma baking chocolate chip cookies but that was there originally. I’m not sure if the tattoo guy was a...
5 tags
Questions Asked Me By Non-Existent People — Part 2
Is it true that you played the wacky coroner in an episode of Friends?
No. I was a wacky orthodontist. A lot of people think it was a coroner because he was also a necrophiliac. That’s what made him wacky. I remember Jennifer Aniston thought I was really funny and that Matthew Perry stole my wallet. Good times.
9 tags
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11-11-11 Is Far From Number One
I’m trying to figure out what we did to piss off Hollywood so much that they’ve decided to release not one but two life destroying balls of suck on the same day.
I don’t blame Adam Sandler for making movies like this. I blame you for making them huge hits.
This looks like one of those Adam Sandler movies that Sandler himself made fun of in Funny People. I wonder what they had...
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I Know It Was The First Thing I Thought Of
How many of you who have seen the Swedish film The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo thought as the end credits started to roll, “You know what could make the experience of watching this film even better? An American remake.”
5 tags
Questions Asked Me By Non-Existent People -- Part...
How do you bring a woman to orgasm?
I suppose you could give her a ride or lend her bus fare so she can get to Orgasm, wherever that is.
October 2011
10 posts
9 tags
If I Ever Meet Steven Moffat...
If you’re not in the know, Steven Moffat (@steven_moffat), one of my favorite writers, is currently head writer/executive producer/god emperor of one of my favorite shows, Doctor Who so you can imagine there must be all sorts of questions I would want to ask him. Do any old time Doctor Who villains like the Master or the Valeyard or Omega have anything to do with the current Silence...
9 tags
Grim
By my count, 80% of all new American television shows center around the idea that old European fairy tales are real. OK, just two but if these are hits, you know there will be more. In one of them, back in the olden days, Snow White, Cinderella and Little Red Riding Hood existed and all belonged to the same book clubs and bowling teams until curses were tossed about like movie theater popcorn and...
7 tags
Be Warned
Every time you don’t reblog me, follow this Tumblr page or subscribe to my RSS feed, God kills a puppy in a really nasty way that involves being eaten by ants. Does that sound good to you? If not, you know what to do.
The Girl With The Dragonless Zoo
Girl With The Dragon Tattoo director David Fincher said Scarlett Johannson was too sexy to play Lisbeth Salander. Still, she did manage to land a plum role as a supporting character in a movie where Matt Damon buys a zoo so she must be thrilled.
7 tags
Bloody Stupid
Would it be too much of a spoiler if I revealed how The Thing remake replaced the cool “Wire in the blood” scene the 1980s movie used as a method to test who was infected? The blood scene was taken directly from the original John Campbell story Who Goes There? and, as I said, was cool. The new method…is not. You can pretty much describe the remake that way.
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What American Horror Story Has Taught Me -- Part 2
This week, American Horror Story has once again warned me about the Down Syndrome Menace. I now know to never, ever let one spit in my cupcake because I’ll get serious diarrhea if I do and will be unable to commit any and all brutal murders I may have planned. It’s not that I want to commit a brutal murder but, if I had pretty much committed myself to doing so, I sure as hell...
7 tags
The Post Everyone Else Writes
Gosh, it’s been a few days but I promise to update my Tumblr more often LOL. ;)
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What American Horror Story Has Taught Me
The new FX show American Horror Story taught me many things like that you shouldn’t try to screw your hot maid, especially if she’s dressed like she’s wearing a Halloween costume called, “Slutty Maid,” because she’s probably a weird and vaguely evil old lady in disguise. It has taught me that you should never, ever let your teenage daughter date because the...
Terra Nova Is Brain Damaged -- Part 5 of a 10...
Enough with the brief comments. Here is the whole pilot episode of Terra Nova expertly deconstructed by me.
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Terra Nova Is Brain Damaged -- Part 4 of a 10...
When you take away Terra Nova’s cardboard characters, stupid premise and dialogue that sounds like it was written by a program called Microsoft’s Television Dialogue Generator 2011, you’re still left with an utter lack of imagination. If lack of imagination was an Olympic event, the people would made Terra Nova would be standing proudly in London next year accepting their gold...
2 tags
Terra Nova Is Brain Damaged -- Part 3 of a 10...
I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. The basic premise of Terra Nova is just plain stupid. Their only solution to a polluted atmosphere is to travel back in time. So, they can’t clean up their environment, something well within the range of technological possibility, but they can time travel.
September 2011
7 posts
2 tags
Terra Nova Is Brain Damaged -- Part 2 of a 10...
On Earth in the year 2149, according to Terra Nova, we have given up using electronic devices like laptops, tablet computers and smartphones (or whatever godawfully advanced devices would exist nearly 150 years in the future) and gone back to using file folders filled with paper.
2 tags
Terra Nova Is Brain Damaged -- Part 1 of a 10...
According to Terra Nova, in the year 2149 Earth’s atmosphere will be so polluted that you need to wear a rebreather just to go outside. Also, people are limited to having just 2 children because of overpopulation, something they take so seriously that civil liberties have pretty much been eliminated so this law can be ruthlessly enforced. How do you have both a toxic atmosphere through which...
“Yes, if I was trapped on a deserted island I suppose I would, but don’t...”
11 tags
Genius Idea
I’m adding lots of popular tags to this post so people Googling those things will come here, fall in love with me and want to shower me with jewels and pussy. I don’t know why no one has ever thought of doing this before.
First Day On Tumblr
I have no idea what I’ll end up doing with this or if I’ll use it a lot. Anyone want to cyber?
tumblrbot asked: WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE INANIMATE OBJECT?